


evanescent

by missgay



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, How Do I Tag, Human Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Human Peridot (Steven Universe), I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot, Sad, Sad Ending, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 16:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20010973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missgay/pseuds/missgay
Summary: No matter how many times she went back in time, Peridot would never get her happy ending.





	evanescent

**Author's Note:**

> Its short, i just wanted to get it out of my head cause it bugged me ALL day long
> 
> Full of grammar erros im afraid, but go along with it
> 
> I hope its good stuff for yall and i hope yall like it!

Lapis was never an unhappy person. Surely, she wasn't as outgoing or elated as Peridot, but she knew how to have fun. She would drag her girlfriend to places, make her sing on stages of cheap pubs and chuckle at her silly puns. She would sing sometimes, too, and would bring flowers and dogs to their home to make it less empty.

She was happy. They were happy.

It was a fright when Peridot came home one day from the mechanic shop to find Lapis hanging from the ceiling fan. How could such a fragile fan hold a person's full weight? Lapis was skinny, indeed, and she more than often skipped meals, but still - it should have fallen to bits from the ceiling, with Lapis and the leather belt along with it.

Peridot cried like never before. She trembled, sobbed, called out her girlfriend's name in the mere hope to bring her back. Logically, though, it didn't.

The funeral was dark, with a gathering of their closest friends. Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet. Steven and Connie as well, with their kid eyes filled with grief. Lapis' parents never showed up, which Peridot should have expected. She never even met them.

Two months with a gloomy apartment to herself, with meaningless pictures and one ownerless dog named Pumpkin, Peridot got up from the couch and dragged out from under her - their - bed a box filled with her many failed projects.

She put aside the objects until she found the one she seeked - an ugly watch with far too many buttons around the screen. Once designed to walk through time, Peridot was never capable of making it work.

One more month went by, the mechanic shop closed down and Peridot working nonstop. Friends would visit her, and all she would tell them was that she was going to make things right. 

One night, it worked. Peridot laughed, no one around to listen. She stared at the watch, at the little screen and the miraculous buttons. She pressed a few digits down and everything, for a moment, disappeared.

She was back three months and a day before. When she saw Lapis, she hugged her hard, ignoring the confused questions and telling her everything was going to be fine.

They talked. Peridot didn't tell her about the watch or about the incident. She asked her how she was feeling lately and, as usual, Lapis shrugged and told her it was fine.

Peridot knew it wasn't. How could it be? Not after what she had seen.

For a moment, she had forgotten about her other self from that time. She didn't and couldn't show herself to her, so instead left her vague notes. Notes that clarified the importance to keep a closer eye on Lapis and to get her treatment without actually telling what would happen if said instructions weren't accomplished.

When Peridot returned to the present, Lapis was going once a week to see a therapist.

Peridot had done it. She had avoided tragedy and saved Lapis. She put the watch back into the box and slipped it under the bed once more.

Four months later, Peridot found Lapis on the bathtub, her arms dilacerated. She screamed and relived everything she hoped she would never have to go through again.

The funeral was taken in the same place, her girlfriend buried in the same hole with the same tombstone.

Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet. Steven and Connie crying. No parents whatsoever.

Peridot went back to her place and took the already fixed watch from the box under their bed.

One year into the past, the same notes to her old self, only more urgent.

Back to the present, Lapis went to a different therapist for a longer period of time. She was doing fine, even a tad less reserved than before.

Five months and Peridot found her over the stove, an awful smell of kitchen gas on the apartment. It also killed Pumpkin in the process, and the firemen came along with the ambulance.

Peridot didn't wait for the funeral. It would have been the same anyhow - Pearl, Amethyst, Garnet. Steven and Connie.

She continued to insist on the treatment and notes to her old selfs. Two years back, three years back, five years back. It only postponed the inevitable and it drove her nearly mad.

She found Lapis on the couch, overdosed. She got a call on the mechanic shop, telling her Lapis jumped from the bridge. Another call at home, Lapis jumped on the subway rails. Locked herself on the car, suffocated. 

Seven years of therapy and it didn't do any good. Lapis was creative and Peridot was lost.

They met seven years ago, so the problem must have been created long before Peridot's appearence on her life.

Peridot went ten years back, meeting a teenager Lapis Lazuli from afar. The notes were now directed to her parents, but they didn't do much. Some therapists that Adolescent Lapis refused to go to, some doctors who eventually gave up on her and her sarcastic, rude remarks.

"You can't do this to her!" Peridot cried when she figured Lapis' problem must have been her parent's rejection. She talked to them directly, indirectly, on all ways thinkable, but the aftermath was always the same. Lapis kicked out of home, Lapis meeting Peridot, Lapis ending herself.

Lapis ended herself everytime. Peridot cried everytime. 

Fifteen years back and Peridot came across Child Lapis.

She met her at a park, where she played by herself, making sand castles and watering them down. While her parents looked away to talk to other adults, Peridot approached her and sat beside her.

"That's pretty," she commented. The kid looked up at her.

"I like to dissolve it."

"You like water, huh?" she smiled sadly and Child Lapis nodded.

They talked for a bit. Peridot felt like hugging the kid and telling her to never grow up.

It quickly got late. Peridot felt tired.

"What's your name?" she asked. "Aren't you old to play here?"

Peridot laughed through her nose. "I'm Peridot. I've always liked the park."

"Peridot," the kid repeated. "I'm Lapis. I like it here, too."

"Does it make you happy?"

"It does."

"You should never stop coming here, then," she said and eventually got up. "You should always try to do things that make you happy."

"Well, duh," Child Lapis snorted. "Why would I do anything that makes me sad?"

Peridot nodded. "You're right."

Fifteen years to the present, Peridot still dated Lapis. Only this time, when they met at that coffee shop, Lapis told Peridot she looked familiar. 

Lapis hung herself again. Peridot felt like losing her mind.

She decided to give herself some time to think.

The funeral went by. Pearl showed up, Amethyst and Garnet too. Steven and Connie cried.

Peridot stayed at home, Pumpkin wiggling his tail whenever she gave him the slightest attention. She probably took care more of him than of herself. She couldn't remember, between the traveling and the funerals, when was the last time she had slept. It didn't seem so necessary anymore.

She could always do something risky. If it didn't work out, she could erase it from time and it would be exactly like it never happened. She didn't even take the watch off anymore, what was the use? Lapis would do something reckless and she wouldn't be up to seeing another funeral, the same look upon her friends' faces.

She went back a couple of months before the first time ever happened. Before meeting Child Lapis, before the countless of other times. She went back to the start and met with Lapis, who was peacefully whistling as pouring Pumpkin some more water.

Peridot entered the apartment, her eyes heavy with tiredness. She asked Lapis to sit down on the couch, neverminding the questions about her looks.

"What happened?" Lapis sounded alarmed. "You look tired, you were just fine a couple of hours a - "

"Take the phone," Peridot commanded.

"What?"

"Take the phone!" she repeated impatiently. "Call my shop."

"There's no one there, why should I - "

"Call," Peridot hissed. "The goddamn mechanic shop. Whoever picks it up, you're going to hang up right after. Do not speak with them."

Lapis hesitantly did as told. As soon as she dialed the number and waited a few rings, her features went unreadable and then pale.

She stared at Peridot, the phone still on her ear. Then, she hung up and blinked.

"This isn't funny."

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Peridot stressed. "Do you want to know why there are two of me existing right now?"

Lapis eyed her. "You're scaring me."

"The Peridot on the shop," she began loudly. "Is today's Peridot. Are you seeing me? I'm future Peridot. _That _Peridot," she pointed at the phone. "Doesn't know you're planning your suicide. _This _Peridot," she thumped her chest. "Has been through a thousand fucking funerals already!"____

____Lapis got even paler, if possible._ _ _ _

____She stuttered, "I don't understand."_ _ _ _

____" _You _don't understand?" she yelled. "How am _I _supposed to understand why are you unhappy? How do I understand that no matter what I do, you always end up fucking _dead _?"_______ _ _ _

__________Lapis slowly stood up from the couch. "I-I'm sorry."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________"You've said it," Peridot nodded. "You've written a plethora of goddamn notes saying you're sorry, but never, never with a fucking explanation. How am I supposed to understsnd, Lapis?" she cried. "I really don't understand! I've talked to you from two, four, eight, eighteen fucking years into the past and nothing seems to fucking work! _What is the problem? _" she begged. "Tell me and I'll fix it right now!"___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Lapis cried, too. Her lips contorted into a miserable grimace and her chest sobbed. Peridot was shaking, but from what, though, she wasn't sure._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Lapis apologized and said she didn't know._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She didn't know what, but something just wasn't right._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________What was Peridot supposed to do with such an answer?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She returned to the present and didn't find Lapis on their apartment. She killed herself days after the interaction, no notes whatsoever that time._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Peridot broke down and didn't attend to the funeral. She knew anyhow how it would be like._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________A semester went by. Peridot didn't do much. She took care of Pumpkin, isolated herself from her friends, worked half shifts down at the mechanic shop. She never visited Lapis' grave, she didn't see the purpose in it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________The epiphany came on day light while she fixed somebody's old car._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________There was supposed to be a pattern, she was sure of it. She had thought it was Lapis' parents, Lapis' depression, but it always ended up the same. No matter how many times she went back in time, she would never get her happy ending. Perhaps the problem wasn't Lapis, but Peridot herself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Peridot was the pattern. Lapis got kicked out, _Lapis met Peridot _, Lapis ended herself.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Peridot broke everything in sight. The car, the tools, the glasses, the table. She trashed the shop, her chest overwhelmed. She shed all possible tears, sobbed every hiccup left. No one was around to hear it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She went eight years into the past. The Young Peridot was gullible and energetic, going through college and befriending with the same people who would, one day, attend her girlfriend's funeral._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Peridot didn't care about the time traveling theories. If she touched her old self and the universe ceased to exist, she wouldn't mind. Everything would eventually return to ashes, anyhow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She found Young Peridot and got her alone in a classroom. She closed the door behind her and watched Peridot's eyes bulge in horror as looking at herself years older and sadder._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"I don't look too good, right?" Peridot said as approaching the student. "I'm sorry."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Oh my stars," said the blonde while sizing up Peridot. "How is this possible?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Sit down," she asked. "We need to talk."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Did we make that watch?" she asked excitedly. "Do we get rich?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Stop," Peridot said bitterly. "Stop. Sit down."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________The student's smile eventually faded. She obeyed Peridot and sat down on the steps which led to the further chairs in the back._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________She seemed nervous, all of a sudden._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Am I in trouble?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"You're not," Peridot sighed. "I need to ask you for a favor and I need you to promise me you'll do it."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Young Peridot opened and closed her mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Why?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"Don't question it," Peridot said. "It's for the best."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They stood in quietude. Eventually, Young Peridot nodded faintly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Peridot deflated. "A year from now you'll see a blue-haired girl on a coffee shop," she began. "She'll be the most beautiful girl you've ever seen, and Amethyst will convince you to ask her out." She paused and looked intently at her younger self. "You won't do it."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"What?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________"You'll leave her alone," Peridot said strongly. "You won't ask her out, you won't talk to her, you won't stare at her. She's _not _for you," she said. "She's not for us."___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Young Peridot had a frown on her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Can you tell me why, at least?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"No," Peridot rose her wrist and programed a few digits. "Now promise me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Young Peridot hugged herself._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"I promise."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Back to the present, Peridot didn't live in the same apartment. It was smaller, darker. She recognized it almost right away - it was the back room of the mechanic shop. There was no Pumkin, no pictures on the walls._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________No Lapis._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She did some research and found her. She lived with a woman named Jasper in an apartment twice as big as the one they could have lived. They went out every Saturday night to eat pizza, and they seemed happy together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________On the date of Lapis' first suicide, nothing happened. A month later, nothing. A semester, a year, three years. No bathtub, no bridge, no subway, no pills. Lapis was happy._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Peridot was miserable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Is that how it was supposed to go? One of them got everthing and the other got nothing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Peridot spent her days drinking away the bad thoughts, the unreal memories and fixing old cars. She didn't have friends anymore. When she died, no Pearl, no Amethyst, no Garnet would show up. No Steven or Connie would cry. She would die alone, and Lapis wouldn't even know about it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She left the watch over the shop's table, untouched. Each day was slower than the last, and every morning she woke up she mourned the loss of Lapis, herself and everything they could have been together._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She would have to accept it. She tried to, eventually, but it didn't quite work._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The drinking got worse, and now she fixed cars with a bottle by her side._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It took her a moment to realize that, one day, the owner of a expensive car that drove inside her garage was Lapis._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis, who didn't recognize her at all._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis, who ended herself over and over._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis, whom she could never have a happy ending with._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Peridot gritted her teeth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Not you," she slurred. "Get out."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis stopped, the keys of her car swinging from her pointer finger._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Excuse me?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Not you," she repeated slowly. "I don't want you here."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis was wordless for a second. Peridot didn't care._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Get out," she said. "I'm trying, but I can't if you're here."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis frowned. "I think you're mistaking me with somebody else."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Oh, do you now?" Peridot rose her brows and laughed. "You're funny. I didn't know you could have a sense of humor."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis crossed her arms over her chest. "You're drunk. I can smell it from here." A pause. "I'll just go to another mechanic."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Oh, yeah," Peridot clapped as the woman turned her back to her. "Walk away. You're a real expert in it, aren't you, Lazuli?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________She stopped and slowly turned around._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"How do you know my name?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"What name? Lazuli? Lapis?" Peridot let herself fall lazily over a chair. She slouched. "What a poor thing you are."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"This isn't funny."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________It was dèja vú. It made her shiver._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Do I look," she hissed lowly. "Like I'm joking?" She stood up again, almost sober. She stepped closer to Lapis. "Huh?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________The woman hugged herself defensively. "You're drunk."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"I'm always drunk," she countered. "Because of you. But you wouldn't know any of it, would you?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis squinted. "You're crazy."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"And whose fault's that, huh?" Peridot spat. "I really tried, but you just kept on insisting. Stubborn, really, I'll give you that. How's dad and mom, by the way? Surely, they must have kicked you out for about... I don't know. Quite a few years now, right?" Lapis' face shifted. "What? Weren't I supposed to know that?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis opened her mouth and stuttered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Did Jasper tell you that?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Your new girlfriend?" Peridot scoffed. "How could she, she doesn't know me."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Lapis stared at her, wide-eyed. "I've never told anyone else that."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________"Let me guess what else," Peridot said. "That nasty habit of yours to skip dinner, right? You do look skinny. Skinny enough to _not _break a ceiling fan. Or what else? That mole on your back." Peridot laughed at Lapis' face. "Thinking about covering it with a tattoo, right? Maybe a teardrop, maybe a lapis lazuli gem, maybe both!"___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Lapis looked terrified. She stepped back, afraid, as if Peridot could hurt her._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"How do you know that?" she whispered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Peridot wiped the smile off her face._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"We dated," she said. "For seven years."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"That's not possible."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"It is, actually," Peridot said. "Only you ended up killing yourself every seventh year, no matter what I did. So the problem wasn't you, was it? It was me all along," she chuckled. "Of course you're fine now. You're with Jasper. And who knows what'll happen if I get another girlfriend, maybe she'll kill herself, too, in seven years? Life is just so full of surprises!"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Lapis' lip quivered._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"You don't believe me, do you?" Peridot nodded a tad. "Of course you don't. But it doesn't matter, I'll have to erase this conversation, anyway."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"No," Lapis said quickly. "Don't."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"You've met me," Peridot sighed. "You meet me, you die. That's the rule."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________A heartbeat passed by. Lapis stared blankly at Peridot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________"Why don't you just let me die, then?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________It was a heavy question. Peridot bit her lip while roaming toward the shop's table filled with tools and, amid them, the watch._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She took it, minding over an honest question._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________She looked up at Lapis and said, "Because I love you too much."_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Everything disappeared for a moment. When Lapis entered the shop, seeking for help with her car, Peridot locked herself on the back room and pretended no one was there._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________________Lapis left and didn't come back.__________________

**Author's Note:**

> please pretty please with a cherry on top, hit comments for this old writer, will ya?
> 
> Kudos as well!


End file.
